Whether alone or with a partner, trying out kink can be a great way to explore the depths of your sexual identity. However, to maintain a good relationship with your partner and ensure your own well-being, it is essential to establish safe sex habits before you begin to explore kink.
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Before turning up the heat (both metaphorically or literally!), follow our step-by-step guide to creating healthy boundaries in the bedroom.
1. Talk about it
Bringing up kinky sex with either a new or existing partner might seem like a daunting task, but it doesn't need to be! Find a time before entering the bedroom (because no one likes being caught off-guard) where you and your partner feel safe and relaxed to discuss what you and they might like to try. By talking about it beforehand, not only are you showing trust in your partner by sharing your sexual desires, increasing your intimacy, but it can create added excitement in your relationship, giving you both something to look forward to!
2. Explore together
If kink is new to either you or your partner, chances are you don't have a complete vocabulary or knowledge of all the different types of kink play available to you both. To get the 'creative' juices flowing, try exploring this desire together by reading erotic literature or watching porn that portrays safe kinky sex.
3. Choose a safe word
Your planning should also involve choosing a safe word. This is a good practice to enter into no matter the type of sex you're having but especially if it is kinky. As sex educator Jamye Waxman says, during kinky sex, 'saying no might be an integral part of the fantasy, so make sure your safe word is something totally out of context.' Vocativ lists fruits to be the most popular safe words, so why not try out 'pineapple'!
4. Be clear on consent
Consent should be three things: informed, enthusiastic and continuing. But what does that actually mean? Well, it's actually quite simple. When either you or your partner agrees to a sex act, do you both know exactly what you are agreeing to, including its risks or potential outcomes? If you do, this is informed consent, but if you don't, make sure everyone is on the same page by researching the act/position with your partner or having them explain the details.
Next, make sure the consent is enthusiastic (i.e. an excited 'yes' rather than the absence of 'no'), and also that the consent is ongoing. Many people might find that they change their mind during sex even to something agreed upon beforehand. This is normal and your right. To make sure you and your partner have the space to say no, continue to check in and listen to each other throughout your kink session.
5. Have fun!
When you have established these non-negotiable boundaries, it's time to have fun! Here are some of our favourite ways to introduce kink into your play:
- Tie each other up
- Blindfold each other
- Dip into role play
- Try some gentle spanking
- Test out temperature play
Sources used:
Men's Health: 'Wanna Have Kinkier Sex? These 10 Expert Tips Will Help You Get Started'
Cosmopolitan: '12 Safe Word Options and How to Effectively Use One in the Bedroom'
Vocativ: 'Pineapple! The Top 15 Safe Words In The U.S.'
RAINN: 'What Consent Looks Like'
Ask Gigi: 'How to Communicate New Sexual Boundaries to a Partner'
Read more:
⋙ BDSM: What is it and how to perform it safely and with consent
⋙ Temperature play: The hottest (or coldest) kink you need to try
